How to Make a Fool of Yourself

For the past couple of years, I've made quite the fool of myself. Consider me a professional. I take pride in my work. If you wish to make a fool of yourself, you can follow these easy steps, and you will look like Tiger Woods in no time.

Step 1: Talk to Yourself in Public

Yes, I happen to do this. Only when I get upset though. I lose my temper sometimes, and I start rambling, right in front of everyone. Normally, people don't really notice. Until today. I was at the gas station, and the pump was pumping about a penny every five seconds. It was taking forever. A couple of minutes later, I became angry and frustrated. "Why is this thing not pumping anything?" I said. As soon as I said it, I knew it was a little too loud. About twenty feet from where I was standing, a black woman began staring me down. I could tell she thought I was crazy. To keep myself from causing anymore foolishness, I retreated to my vehicle, started the engine, and drove off, forgetting all about the gas. This step is very effective.

Step 2: Text While Driving, Then Nearly Run off the Road

There's been a law put in place in the state of Arkansas where it is now illegal for teenagers to text while driving. This law is probably enforced in a couple of other states, I'm not exactly sure. I've done this quite a few times, and gotten a bunch of confused looks from other drivers. Normally when this happens, toss my phone to the passenger's seat and drive 10 and 2, not taking my eyes off the road.

Step 3: Scratch Your Crotch Like a Bat Out of Hell, Then Get Caught Doing it

This is probably the most foolish you can make yourself. Girls simply do not understand why guys do this, so if you want to make a fool of yourself, do this in front of girls. Guys normally don't pay attention, unless you start cupping your crotch. Anyways, I was sitting in Algebra 2 (yes I am 18 years of age and I am still in Algebra 2) a couple of weeks ago, and Coach Wilson was rambling, while I was paying no attention at all. Suddenly, I got the biggest urge to scratch my crotch. I took a couple of aggressive swipes, but I had been caught. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the girl sitting right next to me staring down at my package while I scratched it. I quickly stopped what I was doing, but I notice her scoot away from me, just a tad. I probably don't have a chance with her anymore.

Step 4: Be Far too Honest When Someone Asks You a Question

I tend to do this from time to time. I can be extremely honest at times, especially when I am upset and people are asking me dumb questions. Once again, I was in Algebra 2 one day. This was a couple of weeks after the scratching incident, and Coach Wilson entered the room. He was clearly happy. Happy to be in math class, standing in front of the board, doing as many problems as he can squeeze into the 45 minute period. Before he begins the lesson, he likes to ask a certain question, only on his happy days, and this particular question really ticks me off. I happened to be having a pretty bad day, and I was just hoping he would call on me so I could answer this question. Sure enough, he called on me. "We all like math. Isn't that right?" he asked, pointing at me. Everyone always gets shy and confused when he asks this. Some look at the ground and say "Yes", some say "I don't know", and some say "I guess". He always responds with the same, airy, asthma laugh that we all hate. Anyways, once he asks me, everyone figured me to follow suit with everyone else, because I don't really talk in Algebra class. But no, I'm feeling defiant today. I say "Couldn't be further from the truth". Coach Wilson stops smiling. He didn't see that coming. He gets angry with me. Doesn't appreciate the snooty comment. Everyone laughs at me. I thought it was sort of funny. I guess not. Maybe it was the way I delivered the message that made it so unfunny.

Step 5: Ask a Question on Your Facebook Status, and No One Reply Back

This has probably got to be the most painful one. When this happens, either no one is on Facebook, or no one cares what your status says. The second possibility is highly likely. Normally people on my status comment on what I have to say. I guess this day wasn't my day. I asked on my Facebook if anyone else was having problems with their AT&T service. It was New Year's Day, and apparently everyone was sending "Happy New Year" messages simultaneously. I asked this question on my status, and no one replied. Epic Facebook fail. 

When you wish to make a fool of yourself, remember to talk to yourself in public, text while driving, scratch your crotch, be too honest, and ask questions that no one cares about. This five steps are highly effective, and you'll be on your way to looking like a creeper or a fool in no time. Thank you for reading. God Bless you all.

The Donkey